I have thought long and hard about writing this post, because I have a wonderful mother-in-law who has done everything in her power to love and care for me just as if I had been born to her, two excellent fathers (my daddy, who has always seen me in the most positive light, and my father-in-law who provides much support and encouragement), and a husband who has all but carried our daughter-to-be (and to his credit, he has volunteered to do even that, if it were at all possible). So for having so many blessings, I have nothing to complain about...
But still, the feeling of remorse that my mother, who passed away last November, will not be physically present to witness the "big day" (arguably of greater magnitude than my wedding, which was just the formality preceding the real treat of being married), is growing ever heavier. I'll be frank and say that for all that we both tried to make things work, my mother and I were not naturally compatible. I disappointed her a lot, and I often wished I could be the ideal daughter that she had always hoped to know. Despite a lot of creative effort, I could never become as close to her as I had wished. We had to be content with me trying to make her happy but expecting to fail in achieving that objective time and again.
So perhaps this occasion would be like many others -- full of love, yet many imperfections hanging in the air. I know my mother was not that fond of babies or small children (she articulated this sentiment many times so I am not just hypothesizing) so a granddaughter may have brought as much stress as joy. But the bottom line is that all along I wished that she and my beloved late grandmother would be with me when I became a mother.
I have no specific purpose in posting about this subject, but I would like to express my wish that I can at least channel some of what I learned from my mother, my relationship with her, and combine it with what I have learned being a mother figure to my students. I understand that my daughter may feel the same way that I did as a younger person ("Why can't Mom and I be closer? Why doesn't Mom feel satisfied with my achievements?") but conscious of my own experience, I'll try to assure her that I accept her as is, foibles and all.
I also hope that I can forge my own path as a mother, even though I will make a lot of mistakes and may not suit my daughter's style, as with teaching students who have diverse personalities and learning preferences.
But still, the feeling of remorse that my mother, who passed away last November, will not be physically present to witness the "big day" (arguably of greater magnitude than my wedding, which was just the formality preceding the real treat of being married), is growing ever heavier. I'll be frank and say that for all that we both tried to make things work, my mother and I were not naturally compatible. I disappointed her a lot, and I often wished I could be the ideal daughter that she had always hoped to know. Despite a lot of creative effort, I could never become as close to her as I had wished. We had to be content with me trying to make her happy but expecting to fail in achieving that objective time and again.
So perhaps this occasion would be like many others -- full of love, yet many imperfections hanging in the air. I know my mother was not that fond of babies or small children (she articulated this sentiment many times so I am not just hypothesizing) so a granddaughter may have brought as much stress as joy. But the bottom line is that all along I wished that she and my beloved late grandmother would be with me when I became a mother.
I have no specific purpose in posting about this subject, but I would like to express my wish that I can at least channel some of what I learned from my mother, my relationship with her, and combine it with what I have learned being a mother figure to my students. I understand that my daughter may feel the same way that I did as a younger person ("Why can't Mom and I be closer? Why doesn't Mom feel satisfied with my achievements?") but conscious of my own experience, I'll try to assure her that I accept her as is, foibles and all.
I also hope that I can forge my own path as a mother, even though I will make a lot of mistakes and may not suit my daughter's style, as with teaching students who have diverse personalities and learning preferences.
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