A Constant Growl

I haven't been posting in the past two months with the enthusiasm that I hoped to share about the challenges of continuing my academic career while working on the other end of the educational spectrum by mothering a newborn child.

Like many other mothers, three weeks after birth, the changes in my physiology shut down parts of my mental and emotional selves. I became a completely different person, and went through every day hoping that my treatments would be effective to restore my "natural self." Many of my carers asked what is normal, and as impaired as I was, I tried to figure out how to describe those characteristics and abilities that I take for granted. Going day by day, week by week, I felt that my intellect was breaking down and that if it fell apart, I could not longer do the work that I value, maintain my relationships with family, friends, and colleagues -- and literally lose everything (while knowing that the rest of the world would be moving along smoothly in my absence).

I am now trying to count the good days on a  bumpy road -- this faultless problem still irritates and frustrates me, and no amount of persuasion that it is "normal" to be "abnormal" has been convincing…

So I march, and my daughter, now learning to produce sounds, is cheering me on by growling...

Chairs and Bears

I'm returning to this blog more than a month after my last post about leaving home for the first time after giving birth. The trip went well -- the conference was fruitful and I learned much about a very different place (the Russian Far East) as a result of stepping out the door. After that, however, I spent a long month working through some complications with my recovery that are still challenging me.

Taking a break from those obstacles in my life, I am glad to report that like all of my parent-friends have said, my daughter O. and I are getting used to each other. I no longer define O. by the way she was pre-birth, a left-leaning fetus with tough fists and feet, but by the smiling and cooing girl that she is now. She expresses her personality in the predicted ways -- snuggling up to her favourite toy which doubles as a pillow to tilt her lopsided head into a balanced position and now sitting up in a new chair that does not swing like her first and most-loved "throne" (thanks to E. and W.) but can be raised and lowered according to her mood.

We are also close to achieving our goal of working and living together in harmony. She is sleeping next to me as I type this entry, smacking her lips in anticipation of a midnight feeding. I am happy that she can rest well while the computer keys are clicking, since that may be the sound that she hears for many years to come...